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The Rival Curates
By William Schwenck Gilbert
List while the poet trolls
Of MR. CLAYTON HOOPER,
Who had a cure of souls
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper.
He lived on curds and whey,
And daily sang their praises,
And then he'd go and play
With buttercups and daisies.
Wild croquet HOOPER banned,
And all the sports of Mammon,
He warred with cribbage, and
He exorcised backgammon.
His helmet was a glance
That spoke of holy gladness;
A saintly smile his lance;
His shield a tear of sadness.
His Vicar smiled to see
This armour on him buckled:
With pardonable glee
He blessed himself and chuckled.
"In mildness to abound
My curate's sole design is;
In all the country round
There's none so mild as mine is!"
And HOOPER, disinclined
His trumpet to be blowing,
Yet didn't think you'd find
A milder curate going.
A friend arrived one day
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper,
And in this shameful way
He spoke to Mr. HOOPER:
"You think your famous name
For mildness can't be shaken,
That none can blot your fame
But, HOOPER, you're mistaken!
"Your mind is not as blank
As that of HOPLEY PORTER,
Who holds a curate's rank
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
"HE plays the airy flute,
And looks depressed and blighted,
Doves round about him 'toot,'
And lambkins dance delighted.
"HE labours more than you
At worsted work, and frames it;
In old maids' albums, too,
Sticks seaweed yes, and names it!"
The tempter said his say,
Which pierced him like a needle
He summoned straight away
His sexton and his beadle.
(These men were men who could
Hold liberal opinions:
On Sundays they were good
On week-days they were minions.)
"To HOPLEY PORTER go,
Your fare I will afford you
Deal him a deadly blow,
And blessings shall reward you.
"But stay I do not like
Undue assassination,
And so before you strike,
Make this communication:
"I'll give him this one chance
If he'll more gaily bear him,
Play croquet, smoke, and dance,
I willingly will spare him."
They went, those minions true,
To Assesmilk-cum-Worter,
And told their errand to
The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER.
"What?" said that reverend gent,
"Dance through my hours of leisure?
Smoke? bathe myself with scent?
Play croquet? Oh, with pleasure!
"Wear all my hair in curl?
Stand at my door and wink so
At every passing girl?
My brothers, I should think so!
"For years I've longed for some
Excuse for this revulsion:
Now that excuse has come
I do it on compulsion!!!"
He smoked and winked away
This REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER
The deuce there was to pay
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
And HOOPER holds his ground,
In mildness daily growing
They think him, all around,
The mildest curate going.
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